Public Awareness

OPDV Bulletin:
Important Allies In The Fight To End Domestic Violence: Men

Joining the increasing movement of men speaking out against domestic violence is actor Victor Rivers. Mr. Rivers, who played professional football for the Miami Dolphins after attending Florida State University on a full four-year scholarship, has appeared in ten television shows and two dozen movies, including The Mask of Zorro and Amistad. He is now a spokesperson for the National Network to End Domestic Violence.

Things haven't always been easy for Victor. As a boy, he, his siblings, and his mother, a Cuban immigrant, were verbally abused, tied down, burned, cut, locked in closets and severely beaten by Victor's father, a computer programmer. At the age of twelve, Victor went to the police to show them his abused body. Although horrified at the acts of domestic violence that were on the level of torture, the police could offer little assistance. The year was 1967 and these acts were considered a "private family matter." OPDV Bulletin Editor Suzanne Cecala recently spoke with Victor about his past and his commitment to help in the effort to end domestic violence.

In his own words...

"My father kicked my mother out while she was pregnant and kidnaped the rest of the kids to Florida, across the country. How much more could you violate someone? She didn't even speak English. She had to live at the home of a friend's family, with the new baby, working for six months to raise enough money to get to Florida and find us. She found us, but my father still had custody because he had more money."

"At 15, I fought my father. Once I defeated him physically and he came after me with a knife, I knew I had to leave home or he'd kill me. I took him to court. I wanted to get a restraining order. The judge had no problem granting it, but she left the other kids with him, even though she knew what was going on at home."

"My high school was my advocate. I went from being a gang member in my sophomore year to senior class president because someone gave me self-esteem. I represent that a 15 year-old boy doesn't have to get thrown away. Boys can be salvaged at any age."

"I wanted to put a man's face on the problem. It's important to have a man speak out. People ask me why I'm speaking out on domestic violence and not child abuse, since that's what happened to me. The fact is, if someone had protected my mother, we would have been fine. In most cases, if kids are being abused so are their mothers. If we want to help kids, we have to protect their mothers."

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AS A MAN'S ISSUE

Victor identified several of the ways he sees domestic violence as a man's issue.

"Boys might try to defend their mothers and get hurt."

"If young boys are watching their mothers get abused, they're either thinking that type of behavior is acceptable or they're going to try to defend their mothers. [A majority] of all boys age 12-18 jailed for homicide are in prison for killing their mother's abuser."

With chilling honesty, he admits he would have been one of those statistics. He said, "I would have done that. I wanted to take my father out. I went looking for a gun but I couldn't find one." He added, "That probably wouldn't happen today [with today's easier access to guns]."

Children can also sustain injuries if they intervene in an attack, either intentionally or accidentally.

"Domestic violence gives good men a bad name."

Athletics often mirrors how society expects men to act. "There's a code of machismo, a code of being tough. It's a false bravado. Most of these men are caring, loving individuals, but their sport tells them to be tough. You don't want to let down your teammates and be seen as a weakling."

"If there are 48 guys on a football team and two guys are beating their women, that's all the press writes about. It gives men a bad name. I've heard guys talk. I've heard them say, 'Yeah, I had to smack her down.' Domestic violence hurts men because they're standing by silently. Things would change a lot quicker if they spoke out. Men have to stand up and say, 'I can't be your friend, teammate, co-worker, if you're doing this.' Those kind of consequences can really make a difference. I was a silent man at one time, but not any more."

"I had fears about being in a relationship and about being a father."

"I wasn't worried that I'd be violent towards women. There was never a hint of that. I knew that what my father did to my mother was wrong. I justified his violence towards me, that somehow I deserved what he was doing. But not to my mother."

"In my relationships with women, it was the concern of allowing someone in that deeply. I was afraid to get into a long-term relationship because of the fear of being hurt. I had been so hurt by my father, I didn't want to get hurt again."

Victor did fine on his own. But, after awhile, he felt something was missing. "I was so used to taking care of myself for such a long time I thought I didn't need that kind of contact. But when I was in my thirties, I realized there was an empty space that needed to be filled." Victor met and married Mim, writer Miriam Eichler-Rivas . "We've been married for ten years, together for thirteen. Mim has been so nurturing. We grow together."

Some old fears resurfaced before the birth of their baby, however, with concerns about his ability to be a loving father. "When my son was due, I was very excited - in my conscious mind. But about 2-1/2 months before he was born, I suffered a major attack that we thought might be a heart attack. The doctor ran a barrage of tests and they all came back negative. After the second attack, we realized it was anxiety. I guess I thought that maybe that monster might be inside me."

Victor need not have worried. "When I held my baby in my arms and cut his cord, I knew that I could never hurt my son." (Editor's note: Contrary to popular notion, boys who witness domestic violence are not destined to become batterers themselves. Some do; some don't. And many people who do batter never experienced it growing up. Battering is a choice that stems from a belief that a person has the right to control an intimate partner and that violence is an acceptable means of establishing and maintaining that control.)

"You don't need to hurt children to teach them. You can train an animal without ever raising your hand. Kids just want your love and approval."

EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET INVOLVED

"When I realized I felt really comfortable being a father, I decided to lend my voice to this issue. My publicist suggested I find a good cause and I just happened to see an ad about domestic violence. It inspired me to reach out to the National Network to End Domestic Violence and ask if they had a spokesperson. They were surprised when they heard a man wanted to do it, but then I told them my story."

"It's encouraging to me that when I first started speaking out almost three years ago, it was just me and the women. Even in just the past few months, I'm seeing more male faces and policemen attending the domestic violence conferences I speak at. They're at ground zero, involved in the movement, and I applaud them for stepping forward."

"Even my son wants to be involved," Victor says. "He's seven years old now. But, when he was five, he spoke at a few events. This is one of his speeches: 'Hi. My name is Eli Rivas. I'm five years old and I want to thank all of you for making this world a better place to live in.'" Victor laughs as he adds, "He was also latching onto political slogans at that time and insisted that my wife put 'Leave no child behind' in one of his speeches. He was very serious about that."

Victor feels that he was saved by the care and support of friends and coaches, who opened their homes and hearts to a tough teenage boy. The importance of that type of community intervention is a cornerstone of his message. "I hope more people will take a stand against our greatest yet most curable social disease," he asserts. "If we want a less violent world, we have to begin at home. It just takes a few courageous men to speak out."

In Their Honor...

When asked why he is a spokesperson for the battered women's movement, Victor says, "I'm doing this for my mother. My mother is my hero. I'm also doing this for my brother, Robert. He was born severely brain-damaged from the beatings my mother got while she was pregnant with him. He lived in institutions his whole life and he died at age 9." Victor's mother and adoptive family live in Florida and whole-heartedly support his efforts.

What Can Men Do?

The following are excerpts from Victor Rivers' website, www.victorrivers.com:

"If you want to help on this issue and on others that can make a difference in creating a world that is a safer, more peaceful place to live in for all of us, here are four suggestions:

1) Break the Silence: Whether you are a victim or a witness to any form of violence, talk to someone.
2) Practice Peace: Make a pledge to yourself and the people you care about to resolve conflicts with diplomacy, instead of war. Make a pledge to treat others with respect, even when you don't especially like them.
3) Teach Peace: If you want to take more action, volunteer at a hotline, drop off food at a women and children's shelter, find an organization working for peace that you can support.
4) Call the National Network to End Domestic Violence: at 202-543-5566 and ask how you can contribute. (Editor's note: In New York State, call your local domestic violence service provider or the NYS Domestic Violence Hotline in English at 800-942-6906; in Spanish at 800-942-6908.)

Look for Victor Rivers in major media to promote a special documentary airing on PBS stations nationwide in October. "Breaking the Silence: Journeys of Hope is co-produced by Tatge/Lasseur Productions and Connecticut Public Television and underwritten by Mary Kay Inc. and the Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation. The segment on Rivers and the impact of domestic violence on children is included in the documentary.