Public Awareness

OPDV Bulletin:
What Makes a Good Male Ally?

Compiled from enlightenment shared by women participants of This Far By Faith 2002
By R. Alan Brooks II


During the Men's Preworkshop at the 2002 This Far By Faith Conference, women participants were asked to describe one thing that would make a "good male ally" against domestic violence. The male participants appreciated this opportunity to listen to women and practice not interrupting. This proved to be a powerful time, as this topic brought forth a variety of responses:


A Man is a Good Ally When:


  • He is able to take the direction and leadership in domestic violence work from women.
  • He understands that women's need to be empowered is not a threat to his strength as a man, but rather an additional strength.
  • He listens to women and has a willingness to "call out" other men on their issues.
  • He does not try to confine the women he is supporting or define the problems that they share with him.
  • He is willing to take a stand on the issue of domestic violence by being vocal about it.
  • He changes his perception, so that he knows that women who remain in relationships with batterers are not stupid.
  • He helps other men in positions of authority to realize that when children of single mothers have behavioral problems, it doesn't mean that they "need a man in the house." This type of thinking is often encountered in male school principals, and it pressures women and children to stay with an abuser.
  • He models behavior for his friends and other men by letting others see his example.
  • He works to help unburden other men of the misconception that women who speak honestly about male violence are "attacking men."
  • He is willing to hear women's reality "full out," because he realizes that there are aspects of this reality that he will not know about.
  • He is not struggling with his own manhood, and does not need to prove that he's a man.
  • He is a nonjudgmental partner; which implies equality and respect.
  • He understands that women know that all men are not batterers.
  • He is developing groups where men can rally against domestic violence actively and publicly denounce it.
  • He doesn't assume that another man can't be a batterer because of his high position in a church, government, organization, etc.
  • He has done his personal work to become aware of his own issues relating to the issue of domestic violence.
  • He listens, but doesn't try to "fix" the problem by himself.

Reprinted with permission of The Black Church and Domestic Violence Institute, Spring 2002, Volume 2, Issue 1.