Public Awareness

OPDV Bulletin:
What Are We Saying?


Let's not mince words: words have power. They have the power to color and even create our version of reality. Whether it's laziness or ignorance, we often use words and phrases that help contribute to a society in which oppression remains unchallenged. When we ask, "Why doesn't she leave?," we're suggesting that she's somehow to blame for being abused.


Where is her abuser in that question? Rather than looking at her, we need to be focusing our attention on his choices and behaviors. So instead, let us ask, "Why is he allowed to do this to her?" Victim safety is of paramount importance to our mission; so is holding the abuser accountable. When abusers are held accountable for their actions - by society as a whole - change becomes possible.


Here are some more examples of frequently-used language that could be perpetuating myths rather than informing the listener.


"I don't know why she puts up with it."
Myth: Victims tolerate abuse.
Fact: Victims may have no choice; resistance may precipitate increased violence.


"She must have low self-esteem" or "She's weak."
Myth: If victims didn't have low self-esteem, they'd leave.
Fact: Lowered self-esteem may follow victimization; it's not a cause. It may be exacerbated by secondary victimization from potential sources of help.


It's a "violent relationship," "abusive situation," or "domestic dispute."
Myth: Violence and abuse occurs "between" the couple.
Fact: Relationships and situations aren't violent; people are. Violence is perpetrated by one person against another. When the abuser remains unnamed, he remains unaccountable.


"She must be crazy."
Myth: She's not doing the logical things one would do to help oneself.
Fact: The victim is engaging in adaptive strategies in an attempt to protect herself and her children. She alone knows what is safest in her situation.


"It's predictable. Her mother was abused."
Myth: Victims come from families in which their mothers were victimized.
Fact: There is no identifiable risk factor for victimization in a heterosexual relationship other than being female.


"It takes two to tango," "She pushed his buttons," "She drove him to it," "She must have done something to set him off." and "He went nuts," "He lost control," "He became a monster," "It wasn't him," "It was temporary insanity."
Myth: There must be a reason he did this. She drove him to it or maybe he just snapped. A rational person wouldn't behave that way.


Fact: Abusiveness is not a psychological disorder or an "anger management" problem. (When he gets mad at work, does he haul off and hit his boss or co-worker?) Abusiveness is all about power and control and feeling entitled to do whatever it takes to maintain that control.


FACT: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.